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I have days where I am so overwhelmed that I completely shut down.
My prescription ran out a couple of weeks ago, and since I can’t afford to see a doctor to get a new one, I have to deal.
It’s hard, really really hard.
I don’t like being down. I feel like I can’t talk about what’s bothering me because people will think I’m on a pity-party trip. Maybe I am, I don’t know. But coping is difficult when your brain can’t function like a normal person’s. People with chronic, clinical depression will probably understand where I’m coming from. They know what it’s like to want to go hide under the covers and sleep until the problems go away. I know the problems won’t go away, though.
I sit here and think about all the prints I have to redo and my heart races and I feel sick. I see people favorite prints that are going to be almost impossible to re-create and tears start rolling down my cheeks. I can’t control it. I don’t want to take them down, though, because I have a fear of it affecting the sales of prints that I can redo more easily. I just want a solution. I want to have a good sale that will allow me to send my hard drive away to recovery.
I’m paralyzed by this limbo that I’m in. Completely stuck. And because of it, I can’t cope. I can’t more forward. I just fall further into this hole and I don’t know what to do to get out of it.
I know everyone wants to read happy things all the time, but that’s just not me, and I like to keep it real here. So this is me, being real, right now. It’s hard and it sucks and I’m less than eloquent about it sometimes, but it’s real. I just don’t know what to do. Every time life starts working out for me, some horrible, bullshit thing happens and ruins it.
Two steps forward, three steps back. That’s what it feels like.