And by sex I mean poop. And by poop I do not mean scat fetishes during intercourse!
Just so we’re clear, ya know.
Kids are gross, pooping machines. I was never really bothered by the prospect of changing diapers when I discovered I was pregnant with Afton, because I knew it was something that just could not be avoided. Rudy, however, gagged and threw up many upon many times, because he is more of a girl than…a girl? I’d say myself, but for those who know me, know that I am not very girly. So I make a bad example.
This past week I’ve dealt with an influx of violent, sick vomit, choking on food vomit, diarrhea, diarrhea and more diarrhea. I think my stomach has turned into a steel box of non-effectedness from all the disgusting stuff that’s been coming out of my kids. Oh yeah, and then there was the whole Delaney decides to eat a poop diaper thing. Freaking gross.
So last night Delaney wakes up and starts crying at about 545am. I get up, prepare a bottle and the moment I open the door to the girls room I am assaulted, literally, by the most foul smell ever. I figure immediately that Delaney had blown out another diarrhea diaper so I collect my diaper-changing gear and set out to remedy the problem. Within about five seconds I realize the problem isn’t Delaney.
Did a cat shit in here? I start looking around, wondering if I accidentally trapped Fizzle or Spaz in the room, but no cats are visible. Or cat poop. So now what?
Then I see Afton, thumb in her mouth, staring at me. She says Hi Mommy! And then proceeds to smack the blanket and say Ah Poopy? Ah Poopy? Yes, Afton I would agree with that assessment, it sure does smell like poopy. So I walk over to her and remove the blanket…
And I pretty much instantly died. Seriously, it was as though she had opened the front of her diaper, vomitted in it, and then closed it, then smashed it with a fist. There was poop all over the sheets and the comforter and all over Afton. And it was the consistency and color of chunky vomit. It.Was.HORRIBLE. I had to toss Afton in the bathtub and strip off the diaper and pour bucket after bucket of water over her to wash it all off. And then I had to go scrape the bed off myself, because I knew Rudy would never survive seeing that disaster (I am so loving to spare him, don’t you think?). I did, however, make him come strip all the bedding afterwards and put on a new sheet and comforter.
These kids need to stop with the pooping already! Not even I have this much trouble with pooping, and I’m a champion of GI disorders. Jeez. I think the smell has burned itself permanently into my nasal cavities.