Oh kids. They are so cute and silly and precious. They’re also hilarious. They hear everything and store it in their little heads and then regurgitate those extra special tidbits at the most opportune times.
Like when you’re having an intense conversation with a person you just met about limiting kids’ interactions with inappropriate media and three-year-old Delaney runs into the room singing “…the way you grab me, must wanna get nasty,” from Blurred Lines. Apparently that’s what I get for telling her to stop singing “I know you want it, good girl!” from the same song. Totally made it worse.
Then there was time that I wasn’t pregnant and Delaney finished her lunch with a flourish and declared very matter-of-factly (and loudly) “Oh! My tummy is getting so BIG! Just like yours Mommy!”
Appreciate that one kid. Pretty sure the whole restaurant did too.
Delaney is also very tuned-in to the workings of her colon.
“Mommy! I’m going poo-poos! Can you watch the poo-poos? They’re coming, Mommy! Oh, I’m done.” She said all of that in the span of about 5 seconds.
“I need the toilet paper to wipe my butt and wipe my crotch, so I can be pretty.”
“Bath makes my butt crazy.”
Then there are those moments where you have to translate English into, well, English.
“I want hundreds and hundreds of boats!” Ten points to the person who figures out what she’s really saying.
Having to constantly explain that no, my kids are not Children of the Corn just because you saw them running around sucking on the neck stumps of naked, limbless and decapitated dolls. It’s “creative play”. And denial is a river in Egypt. Yup.
But my kids aren’t the only ones saying and doing questionable things. When Rudy came home with a bundle of snacks I asked him where my chocolate was and he proceeded to tell me that I no longer needed chocolate, because he is my chocolate and his love would be my chocolate from now on. Bitch please! Chocolate is my chocolate, so give it here or risk losing precious parts.
Then there was the time I caught Vivi with my box of lancets (for my glucose monitor kit) and I asked her if she was trying to stab herself to death and she told me yeah with a very serious look on her face.
Hmm, maybe my kids really are Children of the Corn.
But sometimes, they get existential. Like the time Afton was lying on the couch and she asked me why she was lying down. Um, I dunno, because you decided to? Because you are? Because a tree fell in the woods and no one was around to hear it so it doesn’t make a sound? YOU TELL ME.