My third child, Vivienne, just turned three years old a little while ago, four days after her sister turned four.
Anyway, I’ve been down the road of these lesser known, but twice as terrible threes, and Vivienne easily takes the cake. Why are the terrible threes so freaking terrible? Let me count the reasons.
1| At two, they cry. At three, they’re terrorists.
2| They’re picky at two, but at three they go from liking mac and cheese one day to hating all cheese the next day. They also decide that the day they are going to hate cheese is the day you make their favorite grilled cheese sandwich. They’ll like cheese again tomorrow and hate whatever you’re making because it doesn’t have cheese.
3| At two, emotions are simple: happy, and sad. At three, they’re like mini teenagers filled with angst-y need; PMSing at the drop of a hat before becoming blissfully peaceful again. It’s like a hurricane, and if the maelstrom isn’t going to end, at least keep me in the eye of the storm for more than 5 minutes at a time, please?
4| At two, they’re happy to learn. At three, they know everything already, and aren’t afraid to make it known, especially when the boss comes over for dinner. Think along the lines of “I have a vagina! You have one too!”
5| When they’re two, they let you dress them in cute outfits, but when they’re three they either want to live in pajamas, every item of clothing in their dresser at the same time, or nothing at all. It’s a battle to get out of the door in something appropriate, even if appropriate means snow boots, a tutu, tank top and a hat with a princess crown attached to it.
6| At two, everything they say is cute, even when they swear. At three, they swear on purpose, in front of a large audience. I go to the grocery store in the middle of the night now…
Outfit c/o FabKids
7| At two, they’re toddling around in diapers that you have to change and throw away, at three they’re potty-trained and hiding skid-marked panties in every corner of your house, like little landmines just waiting for you to step on. And you wondered what that smell was!
8| When they’re two they let you play with their hair and style it all cool, but when they’re three, they sneak off with the scissors and give themselves a “haircut”. They do this three times before you learn to stop keeping scissors in the house.
9| At two, you can do everything for them and they won’t bat an eye, making life a little bit effortless (as effortless as it can get with a two-year old), but at three they want do everything on their own. You just stop leaving the house at this point, because you’re still stuck trying to get your kid in appropriate clothes.
10| At two, you’re manipulating the kids. At three, they’re doing the manipulating, and they’re owning you and knowing it.